How Swingers Deal With Jealousy
Dealing with Jealousy
When we are discussing sex and relationships, we must talk about jealousy. That uninvited green-eyed monster that wriggles its way into our lives and is sometimes hard to budge! Over the years, I have been asked questions concerning jealousy and envy by so many people. My vanilla friends, other swingers and potential partners have all asked me the same problem; how do you deal with jealousy? Sometimes the context of where these questions originate from differs. When discussing jealousy with fellow swingers, sometimes is useful to compare notes and understand how they deal with the age-old question. When asked by potential partners, (if I share with them my love of the lifestyle), I find it useful as a means to demonstrate to them my values and beliefs. I'm upfront and honest.
'This is me; this is my approach to jealousy in relationships, you in or not?'
I can usually spot the ones that aren't game and politely suggest that maybe I'm not the girl for them. With my vanilla friends, I sometimes am met with wide-eyed looks of astonishment 'you don't get jealous!'. Almost like I've discovered the holy grail of relationship issues, which in many ways, it is. Once you understand the emotion, this understanding aids in putting that green-eyed monster to bed.
I have overheard arguments between couples rooted in jealousy and statements made by individuals that make me thankful for gaining my knowledge and insight into it. I realised long ago that to move forward and advance in our relationships; we must put an end to our insecurities that manifest as jealousy. Once I applied this thinking to my swinger life, I found I had created a practical and reasonable approach to deal with jealousy. This approach can be applied to all relationships, not just swinger ones, so you can even share this advice with your vanilla friends!
What is jealousy?
First of all, we need to address this question; what is jealousy?
Jealous and envious thoughts come from self-comparison. It doesn't matter how great looking you are, whether you spend hours in the gym perfecting your body or if you have a PhD in astrophysics. There will always be someone, somewhere, whos just a little bit more than you are. You could be a good looking guy whos confident in his appearance until another good looking guy comes past whos slightly taller, or with a somewhat bigger chest. Instantly you feel insignificant and insecure; you can't help it, its just human nature.
Jealousy is an entirely natural behaviour and is apparent in all in societies. Sadly, sometimes people are even punished for not being jealous enough! Unfortunately, society portrays how desirable an individual is by how jealous those close to them get when they experience attention from others!
Before I learnt how to deal with jealousy, I would continuously find myself comparing my looks and body shape to others. Although I knew I was a good looking woman with a great body, I was still riddled with the same petty insecurities. Should another good looking woman with a great body, who was perhaps younger than me enter the same space, or perhaps engage in conversation with my partner ( at a social event for example) I would instantly feel insecure and envious.
I couldn't help it. I didn't want to feel like this.
I found myself going round in circles. Always on edge that someone was going to steal him away from me; Someone younger, or better looking or with bigger boobs. It was a vicious circle and a lot of wasted energy! Not to mention that the more you cling onto someone or something, the more you suffocate them and this in itself can drive them away; the one thing you are scared of the most!
The answer to dealing with jealousy
How did I go from being in this nightmare position, that I'm sure you can all relate to, to being the one giving advice? Well, once I stopped focussing on a few minimal aspects of my character and physical attributes, I started to understand that yes, there will always be women with bigger boobs or a more bubbly personality who will be attracted to my partner. But this is all they have. They are not me. They only possess one or two of the things I don't have.
I am the full package, and no one can compete with that.
The more you bring to the table, the more you have to bargain with. Be sexy and intelligent, a great listener and lover, be open-minded and compassionate. The more strings we add to our bows, the less we have to worry about. If you bring all these attributes, and many more to a relationship and the person you are invested in doesn't see them, then find someone who does.
Another negative aspect of jealousy is this; when you display jealous and envious character traits, you present yourself as insecure. This behaviour is not attractive and can lead to significant relationship break downs. It is not just women either. Jealous men are a big turn off, I've had boyfriends in the past who have talked that talk, but when it comes down to it have been unable to move away from their jealous emotions. I don't expect anyone to be completely jealousy free, but willing to understand and compromise for the good of a great partnership. When discussing jealousy and swinging, you must always present yourselves as 100% secure in your relationship. Once I had sex with a couple who were talking the talk at the beginning, and outwardly they seemed very stable. We engaged in foreplay, and the guy was having a great time fucking me but got upset when he thought his girlfriend was having too good a time with my boyfriend. It was an instant turn off. We immediately called time on proceedings and asked them to leave.
In no way am I saying that I don't ever get jealous, and there are a few triggers that make my green-eyed monster raise its ugly head.
Some scenarios are incredibly intimate, for example, full swap sex with other couples. I'm all for these experiences; in fact, I actively enjoy seeing my partner having great sex with other women. But one thing I can't deal with is kissing, as in intense, passionate kissing. A quick on the lips is fine, I'm talking about the kissing where you don't come up for air, and the world around you stops because you are so wrapped up in one another's faces. This type of kissing is a no go for me. I don't engage in it; neither do I accept my partner participating in it. Aside from that, I'm pretty much cool with everything else that goes down!
Every individual will have their limitations; some acts are too intimate to share. Once you have established what you are comfortable with, the few scenarios that will make you feel insecure are far outweighed by the ones which don't.
So if I don't feel jealous when swinging, what do I feel? Compersion is the complete opposite of jealousy. Its the feeling of experiencing joy when your loved one has a positive experience, regardless of whether you are directly involved or not. In many ways, compersion is a form of empathy.
A few years ago I wanted to arrange a great birthday treat for the boyfriend I had at the time. We were already enjoying the swinging lifestyle together, and we had been discussing new fantasies and experiences. He shared with me his desire for one particular fantasy to be made a reality. I took note of his desires and dressed specifically how he had described. And, once at the club, orchestrated the exact scenario he was so keen to experience. The fact that I was the perpetrator of this experience, and it was me who had made it possible gave me a massive feeling of compersion. He was thrilled at having had his fantasy made into reality, and this made me happy, and that was the best feeling!
Swinging and Jealousy
I understand that we cant all feel compersion all the time, and it is an emotion that can't be forced. However, if you get joy from doing beautiful things for your loved one, you are experiencing compersion. If you are filled with happiness when they have a great experience, ( I will make a chocolate cake for my boyfriend for his birthday and happily not partake in the eating as I know he enjoys it so much) then you on the right track!
There will always be individuals around us who make us feel a little insecure, but they only have a minimal impact on who you are and the life you lead. If you are a fantastic person, with a kind heart and lots of qualities who has many passions in life and works hard to build a beautiful partnership, then you have no reasons to be jealous of Jane with the big tits; because this is all she has compared to you. These qualities, plus the fact you are open to swinging and experience compersion mean you, my dear are a real catch! Others may try and compete with you, but once you have life right where you want it, insignificant factors such as a person with better physical attributes or more charm are just that, irrelevant!